Here I am...Thursday night. I'm tired but not sleepy. I can't sleep.
I miss him when he's gone.
There's work tomorrow. One last day until the week is over. I have a couple meetings tomorrow and still all I will be thinking about is how I miss him when he's gone.
He's in LA you know. Doing work stuff. Supposed to be home by Saturday. Sometimes I tell myself if we took a little break maybe we wouldn't fight so much. Today proved to me that that is bullshit. I want him with me everyday. And if I sound like a loser or a stalker I don't give a hell. You know why?!? Because I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I don't care who hears me, I don't care who thinks differently, I don't care!!! And more than I love him, I am IN LOVE WITH HIM.
He didn't wake me up before he left this morning. All I remember was lying next to him in bed last night. I smell him on the sheets and the pillows. I keep daydreaming about him. Wondering what he's doing, wondering if he's eaten, wondering if he's tired, wondering if he took his meds, wondering if he's safe, wondering if LA has anything to offer him, wondering how's he doing without me giving him head, wondering if he's wondering about me.
I never thought that I'd fall in love with this man. Took me totally by surprised. I kept telling myself Sandra, don't fall for him. Don't do it. You'll only fall for this man and he'll leave you disappointed, heartbroken and full of tears. But somewhere in the midst of each day that past by my heart let him in and opened. And spread love through the air.
I try to be independant and think I don't need him. Who am I fooling?!? I do need him. He's my man!
I know he loves me. I see it when he stares at me, when he touches me, when he cuddles with me, when we're intimate.
This man is apart of me.
I'm trying to be this person that he needs. That he wants. I'm trying to fit the mold. And though its hard as fuck, I'm going to do it. I'm going to be his bitch!!!!
We argue so much. And sometimes I'm afraid that he walks out that door I'll never see him. I'm so scared that one day he's going to finally have enough of the unecessary stress.
He tells me he loves me. I know he will never lie to me. If we don't have anything, I know we have honesty. I trust him with my life. I trust him with my love.
I want to marry this man. I want to be his wife. I want to be Mrs. DuBose. I want to have his children. I want to have a future with him. No conditions, no standards.
I love Lamont and I miss him when he's gone!!!!!!
